I know I have slackened a bit as of late on DA as far as posting new pieces, journals, replies, comments and even polls, so I hereby submit my formal apologies. Things have been wonderful in my life lately, I've found a new person to share my life with (see my gallery for "The Only Focus of My World"), and really haven't had the time, between work and love, to be artistically productive. I wish to just thank everyone right here right now for all the favourites, comments and other feedback I've received from you all lately. Also, I've sort of landed back into my writing groove, so more than likely, you will find more things from me in that category soon, as opposed to photography. As I sit here writing this right now, I am outdoors and a full moon is rising, I am feeling far more productive than I have in a while, and hope to achieve at least something of value tonight. Damn mosquitoes are really beginning to bother me though. Well, off I go to write. Good night everybody, and thanks again. You all rock!!

Hello, patterns in my mind now moving slow, sorrow all across the surface rolls... smoothing out the edges of the stone. The lights are out, where'd everybody go? ...Alone...

Hello everybody, and good morning. It is currently 4:46 am and I've been wide awake all night, thank god for friends. I really mean that. You guys are always there as a pick-me-up, and I don't know if you realize the full extent to which I appreciate you all. Suffice it to say, without all of you, I would not have ever made it to where I am, and even more frightening, I would not be who I am today as a person. Let's just leave it at that.

I know most or all of you must think that I sound like I write the same things all the time, but I am merely emphasizing over and over the things that I am grateful for. You should only expect as much from me. I was discussing with a friend tonight how it seems more and more that people care less and less about each other... we cannot allow this to happen. We cannot allow ourselves to become like everyone else in this selfish society, this territorial pissing and feudal warlike social environment of the modern world. Humans are the most self-destructive species on the planet. We smoke. We drink. We drive fast. We invented swords, guns and bombs. I am just constantly left wondering where love for fellow man has gone to. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what viewpoint you're going by), we are also the most socially-predisposed species on the planet, meaning we are more likely to become destructive and self-destructive, with that being the most common way of doing things in this sad wreck of a world.

What has been the point of modern technologies, sciences and medicines if not to improve our lives, while simultaneously and nearly single handedly also destroying so many, leaving the poor in the dust and the unfortunate in the graves? What are humans more than animals in their very cores, to kill or be killed (I much rather prefer to love or be loved)? When bad comes to worse and push comes to shove and shove comes to death, really, what more are we to be compared to than the likenesses of vicious hungry bears with claws, concerned with protecting only our forests, caves and cubs? To survive or to be survived? I digress. That is my philosophical topic of this week's blog. Also, if you haven't read this book and you want to read more about this point, check out the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, you will be astounded.

I guess the reason I have this on my mind right now is that I'm currently reading 'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy. It is by far one of the most poignant, sharp-edged soul-slicing books I have ever read. Its premise is simple enough - a man and his son, fighting every day for survival in a post-apocalyptic world of ashy sadness and hopelessness. In every forum that I have visited about this book, many readers have stopped reading it -- the book is *that* depressing and exhausting. Well, in the story, the man is the boy's only hope for survival, as they travel along the road to make it to the south, where there is warmth, while evading other survivors, each and all fighting and willing to kill for their own survival. Although the book doesn't explain exactly what occurred in the way of catastrophe, the way I read it, it is some sort of nuclear war perhaps or a major natural disaster such as an asteroid or supervolcano. Such phrases as "eternal ash" and "cold glaucoma dimming away the world" seem to support these. Here is a short excerpt that shows the type of atmosphere and language created in the book:

'They slogged all day down the southfacing slope of the watershed. In the deeper drifts the cart wouldnt push at all and he had to drag it behind him with one hand while he broke trail. Anywhere but in the mountains they might have found something to use for a sled. An old metal sign or a sheet of roofingtin. The wrappings on their feet had soaked through and they were cold and wet all day. He leaned on the cart to get his breath while the boy waited. There was a sharp crack from somewhere on the mountain. Then another. It's just a tree falling, he said. It's okay. The boy was looking at the dead roadside trees. It's okay, the man said. All the trees in the world are going to fall sooner or later. But not on us.
How do you know?
I just know.'

Anyway, I highly recommend this book. Again, it's THE ROAD by Cormac McCarthy. The book is being made into a movie, due out this summer. McCarthy was also the author that wrote No Country for Old Men if you are familiar with that book or film.

My subject line for this blog really has nothing to do with anything, it is a line from the song 'Losing Touch' by The Killers, on their latest album, Day & Age. Am I really losing touch? I think I am. I think more and more I become a little more out of touch with the whole world and everyone else in it, while I continue to fall further and further away into myself and my musings of the worlds and nonworlds of my mind, spreading rumours of impending doom...

Well, just a couple of noteworthy new things since I last wrote... insomnia is mostly gone, tonight being the single exception in two weeks. Fed up with the cold, spring is such a damn tease. I've been having some pretty interesting conversations with friends lately... yet I still feel extremely lonely, don't know what I'm going to do about that one... hopefully I can devise a plan.

I am entering a poetry contest for the Iowa Poetry Association this week, and submitting two, possibly three, short poems for prize money and publication consideration.

I have been watching Heroes on DVD almost nonstop, and a few movies. Death Race was a major disappointment and I only watched an hour of it. I am growing more fond of westerns, ever since 3:10 to Yuma, and watched Appaloosa last week... really good stuff. Nothing too great besides Heroes though, and Lost of course. I seem to have lost my copy of Donnie Darko, which I am none too happy about and at a complete loss as to where it has disappeared off to. I may have to purchase another one... there is no single movie that I have purchased more copies of, for myself or others, because I tend to give it away. Maybe I gave it away and just forgot. haha. I think this will be the 6th time I've purchased it... :-S

I will be getting outdoors with my camera more as the weather gets nicer, hopefully catching some great shots which I will post to my DA gallery (poetryeffect.deviantart.com) I will write here when I post something so you will know when to look. Maybe we will have some superb severe weather (dark clouds, heavy rain, hail, tornadoes, all that wonderful stuff) that I can get photographed. I am so excited for severe weather, you might think me crazy *and I am*, but man, I just love it. The endorphins really start to pump.

Last night I had a dream that I had a son. It was really bizarre and heartbreaking. In the dream I was married to somebody. I won't say who here, but you probably read my blog. Uhm, yeah. But she gave birth to my son in my dream, and I felt a real, deep connection with the child. When I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I found myself with a feeling of emptyness that has stayed with me all day. In my son, I saw myself and all the things that I have done and become in my life and saw it as a chance to guide him to living a better life than I ever could have, a better, wiser version of myself. If I was to ever have a son, or even a daughter, I would stop at nothing to show and teach them the world and universe, everything I have known and remembered and experienced I would share with him or her to forever keep and share and live by. I can only hope that one day this may become a reality. God, do I hope.

Something sort of strange happened at work today. There was a woman shopping with her little girl (maybe 4 years old, maybe 3. whatever) and the little girl was bawling and she was looking at me. The mother was telling everybody that the little girl was afraid of me. I realized this was true as I looked at her, she was looking at me and just bawling... and the longer she looked at me, the harder she cried. The mother went on the explain 'Oh she does this with all men'. Uh... I think that needs to be researched a little bit. This kid risks suffering serious developmental problems if she cries at the mere sight of me. It kind of really hurt my feelings that this lady had to be so loud about the whole damn thing, covering the girl's eyes and saying, 'Don't worry sweetheart, I won't let him hurt you...' Like, what the hell? I never considered myself that threatening. Maybe I am losing touch more than I realize...

Thanks for reading, readers.

"I laid my head upon another passing number, fearful that the days are short, yet time is long..."

My fight is for the golden universe and my weapons are the stars.

Good evening, morning and night to all readers, whatever the time may be that you happened, in good fortune, to stumble across my words written here. In my case, it would be morning, as it is currently 4:09 am as I begin this entry.

I have not written anything worthwhile or given a personal update in quite sometime and have been meaning to do so -- I suppose now is as good a time as any -- since I have nothing else going on. By the way, lately I find there is little better to do in the wee small hours of the morning than write. It seems to be all of what I do recently and believe it or not, my job and my social life are actually starting to take a back seat to my writing again, just as it once was, and just as it should be. *gasp*

I can never sleep these past few weeks. I mean that in almost the most literal of sorts. Case in point, it's past four in the morning right now and I am only just now starting to feel muscle fatigue in my eyelids, but just slightly. I have spoken to a few of you about this already, some of you have expressed concern in my appearance and spirit. I have lost a few pounds, yes, five or so, which I attribute to the insomnia. I have virtually lost my appetite most days and have cut back to one meal or a few small snacks a day. I am at a loss as to what is causing this insomnia. For the past three weeks, I have figured that I have been sleeping an average of four hours a night, if even that. Today I actually achieved 9 1/2 hours, but only because I slept until 4:30 pm. That's right -- I didn't even fall asleep until 7 am. I simply am/was not tired. Even with my Ambien, I don't feel the smallest bit of tranquility. All the Ambien does is fatigue my muscles a bit, but not my brain. I think I'll be out to dreamland by about 5 to 6 am today though, I can definitely feel it coming on now.

I don't think it is being caused by any sort of depression brought on by winter; I have actually been doing very well (not fine, but nearly) in that regard this season. Typically in the wintertime, I get extremely down and depressed -Seasonal Affective Disorder (S-A-D, the most fitting abbreviation ever, if you ask my opinion), but this winter has been easy on me, I am fortunate to say. I guess I have been more careful to focus on the good, happy and positive things in my life, than on the bad, sad and negative. Focusing on the latter will never bring about solutions or closures to any situations or ordeals, with the opposite being said true for the former. I have learned, as many have, but many still must learn, that by merely focusing on positive thoughts and concepts can actually bring about positive effects.

You might recall an entry I wrote about this time last year (for you long time readers) in which I said that I was shifting more of my efforts to becoming a more positive person, to stop searching for things that don't exist in the places that I'm looking, etc. In fact, it was my new years' resolution for 2008 (2009's was 'be a groundbreaking writer'). The results are finally beginning to come back. Yes, to completely remake one's mindset and outlook on life is such a massive maneuver that it has literally taken me about a whole year to start feeling permanent results in my mood shift. My friends, the entire fact of the matter is that, indeed, we ourselves as human beings with intelligent and vastly complex moods and mindsets can have full control over them, willpower withstanding. All mood is a state of mind. Most people tend to have little or no control over their minds, attitudes, emotions and moods. That being said, do you think that one could really achieve true happiness unlimited without a certain amount of forceful willpower over themselves alone, sans pills, chemicals, drugs or alcohol? I am getting there, and I urge you to also. I may come off as thinking myself a saint, but believe me, I do not think that, and I am the furthest type from such a thing.

Simply, I believe that anyone can change something as heavy their lives and mindsets just by changing a few small things every day. They are the weights and scales of emotion. By setting 1,000 small goals and achieving each one, you can reach 1,000 ends, but there is only one conclusion: happy success. Keep your goals resolutely and run to them. Achieve each one and you will win yourself over.

One thing I am not too happy about lately is this winter weather. I am sick of the snow and the cold, but we are already over halfway through January, spring is right around the calendar. By the way, today is George W Bush's last day as president -- ! No more can he lead this country into the ashy pit of war and loveless lawlessness and malevolence. I am happy about this, as you probably might also be. But I am not judging. If you support Bush, more power to you.

This has been, though, one hell of a winter. Definitely the hardest that I can remember (I've only lived through 23 winters though). We are actually having a bit of a heat wave now, if you could call it that, with temperatures expected to be above 30 for the first time in 9 or 10 days (Thursday night, the low here in Northern Iowa was -29 F actual temperature with windchill factors in the -40 to -45 F range). Just think: 30 F above zero is 59 degrees warmer than Thursday night's low, and SEVENTY-FIVE degrees warmer if you consider the windchill. So yeah, it really is a heat wave! But truthfully, snow, just stop, seriously, you can quit now. We get the point. You're no fun when you're a pushy bastard laying to waste all our hopes of a wonderful winter. People are dying out here because of you, and yet you do not relent. Just stop, srsly.

In fact, my hatred of winter has inspired a new poem-novel, The Vast Empty Asylum, which I am currently working on, due out in stores (blogs, posts, bulletins, pathetic.org, writer's cafe, podomatic, DeviantArt) everywhere in a few days, so stay tuned.

Movies, yeah, I still watch them, not as many in the past few months as I had been. I even stopped going to Blockbuster so much, and have been saving a ton of cash. iTunes rentals are mostly what I've been doing now, and I am starting to grow into some TV shows as well (a select few including Heroes, Fringe, The Office, House MD, and Lost, but I've been watching the latter two for a while, House since it started on tv, and Lost since last year). Now I am falling in love with Heroes, it really is superb. Movies I've seen lately include Wanted, Casino, Rosemary's Baby, A Clockwork Orange, Johnny Mnemonic, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Casablanca, Eulogy, Dial M for Murder, WarGames, Purple Violets, Chinatown, Transsiberian and I took the liberty of watching Dan in Real Life again (thanks a lot, Sarah!). Those last three are outstandingly wonderful, as was Rosemary's Baby, which I thorougly enjoyed. Near future watches will be Jerry Maguire, As Good as it Gets, The Green Mile, Appaloosa, as well as more episodes of Fringe.

I've been reading a lot too -- The Road by Cormac McCarthy is a chilling depiction of father and son survival in a post-apocalyptic world with all the modern amenities and memories reduced to gray ash falling from the sky. I've also been reading a lot of short stories by Ernest Hemingway, Choke by Chuck Palahniuk and listening to an audiobook of Just After Sunset: Short Stories by Stephen King (Duma Key by him also).

So that's about all. I am sleepy now. It's 5:25 am, this took a while because I was writing other things too. Good morning everybody. Maybe I'll see you today.

Chadwick

"I laid my head upon another passing number, fearful that the days are short, yet time is long..."

Here, fool! My words have been destroying you, and you didn't even know.

Special Thanks to all those of you that listened to my recorded poem, A Warning Dear Traveler, on my poetry podcast last week. This week, today and tomorrow, expect several more of my spoken poems to be posted. If you forgot or missed the link, it's [link] - a quick way that you can subscribe to it to be automatically notified when updates are available is to copy and paste the following address into your iTunes under the menu Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast: [link] - if you have Safari or Firefox, you can use that link too. Of course, it doesn't work in IE, because Microsoft is a big douche. If you don't have iTunes, Download it just so you can get my podcast because my work's about to get a lot more awesome.

New photos coming soon as well.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams."

Here, fool! My words have been destroying you, and you didn't even know.

[link]

"I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams."